50 Shades Darker Review

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Fifty Shades Darker

Or at least, in parts, that’s what I wished the cinema had been.
Image result for 50 shades darker christian gray moody
Starring the same cast as the first in its sequence, this film stayed fairly true to the storyline of the books (I can’t claim to be precise here as I read the books ages ago, sorry.), beginning with our Anastasia Steele starting work at a new company and the moody and mysterious Mr Grey pulling lots of moody and mysterious faces.

If we recall the final scene of film one, we remember that Anastasia had finally snapped at the beating Christian had given her and called it a day. At the start of the film, they’re still not together but it doesn’t take long until they are firmly in each other’s Love-grip and “spiralling down”  in multiple orgasm mode. And here became my issue.

I did not recall paying for a cinema ticket to go and watch group porn. I honestly did not know where to look. They were practically doing it in my face.

Throw in the occasional dodgy boss, a missing helicopter, a deranged stalker in possession of a gun, a few bitch slaps, a grand party, and much more sex, that was pretty much it.

We do get to “know” Christian and his deep, dark secrets a little more in this film. Initially, though, we aren’t allowed to know anything and neither is Anastasia, who is forced to draw a boundary line on his chest with her lipstick- waste of good lippy indeed. Eventually she’s allowed in, but he does spend rather a chunk of the movie with the same lipstick stain on his nips: does the guy not shower?

All I will say is Jamie Dornan and What’s her name must have been very comfortable with each other: he can be found frequently with his head lodged firmly between her legs (yes- you see that); licking/groping/generally manhandling her boobs; tickling her fancy in a crowded lift, whilst demanding that she doesn’t come; and feverishly fiddling with the belt on his trousers to release his love-stick and ram it between her legs, thrusting like a Duracell bunny on crack.

Image result for 50 shades darker lift scene
However, like in all movies, there is usually something positive to take, and this two hours of orgasm-filled porn shots is no different: at one point, Mr Grey can be found in the gym in his ultra swanky apartment, performing a variety of sweaty, endorphin-enduced moves. I have to say, I was particularly impressed with his pummel-horse plank. Massive core control- kudos.
Anastasia rocks some amazing lipstick during this film. In fact, i loved one shade so much that I went out and bought the closest M.A.C version I could find. You can buy that here.So, overall, I would give this a 3/5. Two of those points for Jamie’s plank, another for the lipstick and the other two because I really like Taylor Swift and Zain’s theme song.

If you enjoy porn with other people, go ahead and watch.

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